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If I Must Die

Translated into Spanish by D. P. Snyder

 

If I must die, 

you must live 

to tell my story 

to sell my things 

to buy a piece of cloth

and some strings, 

(make it white with a long tail) 

so that a child, somewhere in Gaza 

while looking heaven in the eye 

awaiting his dad who left in a blaze— 

and bid no one farewell 

not even to his flesh 

not even to himself— 

sees the kite, my kite you made, flying up above 

and thinks for a moment an angel is there 

bringing back love 

If I must die 

let it bring hope 

let it be a tale

 

[you fit into me]

you fit into me

like a hook into an eye

 

a fish hook

an open eye

 

Trash

Attack, balderdash, blackness (they call from the rafters), blather

-skite, claptrap, crap, codswallop, a dollop of damns in generally

pristine prose or speech, drivel, dross, effluvia, fiddle-faddle, flap

-doodle (a personal favorite), folderol, garbage, guff, hogwash,

hokum, horsefeathers (you can almost envision Pegasus mid-flight),

humbug, imitation (not the thing itself but the accusation), jazz, junk,

kaput, lambast, loss, malarkey, mass entertainment, mass incarceration’s

psychic aim (a problem isn’t real if you no longer see it), muck, mush,

nonsense, nuts, oblivion, piffle, poppycock, quagmire, refuse, rubbish,

slush, tommyrot, tosh, trash (as in the everyday phenomenon but

also talk), twaddle, undercard (ostensibly), underdog (mentally,

you recite their harms before the fight begins), vilipend, wreckage,

excess, extra, yack, youth that cannot be used, zip, zero, easy.

Labor

I spent what light Saturday sent sweating

And learned to cuss cutting grass for women

Kind enough to say they couldn’t tell the damned

Difference between their mowed lawns

And their vacuumed carpets just before

Handing over a five-dollar bill rolled tighter

Than a joint and asking me in to change

A few lightbulbs. I called those women old

Because they wouldn’t move out of a chair

Without my help or walk without a hand

At the base of their backs. I called them

Old, and they must have been; they’re all dead

Now, dead and in the earth I once tended. 

The loneliest people have the earth to love

And not one friend their own age—only

Mothers to baby them and big sisters to boss

Them around, women they want to please

And pray for the chance to say please to.

I don’t do that kind of work anymore. My job

Is to look at the childhood I hated and say

I once had something to do with my hands.

 

excerpt from “Ego Tripping (there may be a reason why)”

I was born in the congo

I walked to the fertile crescent and built

    the sphinx

I designed a pyramid so tough that a star

    that only glows every one hundred years falls

    into the center giving divine perfect light

I am bad

 

I sat on the throne

    drinking nectar with allah

I got hot and sent an ice age to europe

    to cool my thirst

My oldest daughter is nefertiti

    the tears from my birth pains

    created the nile

I am a beautiful woman

 

I gazed on the forest and burned

    out the sahara desert

    with a packet of goat's meat

    and a change of clothes

I crossed it in two hours

I am a gazelle so swift

    so swift you can't catch me

 

    For a birthday present when he was three

I gave my son hannibal an elephant

    He gave me rome for mother's day

My strength flows ever on

 

My son noah built new/ark and

I stood proudly at the helm

    as we sailed on a soft summer day

I turned myself into myself and was

    jesus

    men intone my loving name

    All praises All praises

I am the one who would save

 

I am so hip even my errors are correct

I sailed west to reach east and had to round off

    the earth as I went

    The hair from my head thinned and gold was laid

    across three continents

 

I am so perfect so divine so ethereal so surreal

I cannot be comprehended

    except by my permission

 

I mean . . . I . . . can fly

    like a bird in the sky . . .

 

Reckless Sonnet No. 8

My father, as a boy in Milwaukee, thought

the cicada's cry was the whir from a live wire--

not from muscles on the sides of an insect

vibrating against an outer membrane. Strange though

that, because they have no ears, no one knows why

the males cry so doggedly into the gray air.

Not strange that the young live underground sucking sap from tree roots

for seventeen years. A long, charmed childhood

not unlike one in a Great Lake town where at dusk

you'd pack up swimsuit, shake sand off your towel

and head back to the lights in the two-family houses

lining the streets. Where the family sat around the radio.

And the parents argued over their son and daughter

until each left for good. To cry in the air.

Postscript

What we did to the earth, we did to our daughters

one after the other.

 

What we did to the trees, we did to our elders

stacked in their wheelchairs by the lunchroom door.

 

What we did to our daughters, we did to our sons

calling out for their mothers.

 

What we did to the trees, what we did to the earth,

we did to our sons, to our daughters.

 

What we did to the cow, to the pig, to the lamb,

we did to the earth, butchered and milked it.

 

Few of us knew what the bird calls meant

or what the fires were saying.

 

We took of earth and took and took, and the earth

seemed not to mind

 

until one of our daughters shouted: it was right

in front of you, right in front of your eyes

 

and you didn’t see.

The air turned red.    The ocean grew teeth.

 

Named

I’ve identified more dead birds than living.

An old friend used to quiz me on flora and fauna,

pointing and asking what’s that? but now won’t

even say my undeadname. A tree, I’d answer,

knowing the mutability of even that. Even that.

And Everything Nice

After Wanda Coleman

 

Before we warred

there was sweet.

 

We would sneak the stuff—

our saccharine secret—

 

somehow sure it made us sinners.

It started at four (or sometime before):

 

Slurping of Log Cabin syrup

right down from its cap,

 

brother & I howling. Passed it back and

forth on Saturday mornings. We’d

 

rocket across grasshopper’s green yard

until fuel burnt up & needed

 

re-stocking. We sweetened unnatural

places. Brown rice n chicken,

 

Kraft mac n cheese,

or guzzled it straight, no chaser,

 

let grains dissolve in

gluttonous caverns.

 

Stirred six cups into Kool-Aid pitchers.

Before-during-after we learned

 

of bitterness, of absence,

we slammed sugar unsupervised.

 

Knew nothing of what

too much could do to our

 

insatiable bodies. Knew nothing

of restraint. Knew nothing of life’s

 

undoing. But we knew enough

to keep this secret sacred &

 

beneath the kitchen table.

about my father

—he became a teetotaler out of his socialist convictions; during

the war he began to drink again

—he was casual; he kept his tie in his pocket till the last minute

before oral exams

—he left me on the street to be picked up by the nuns from the

orphanage; he watched me from a distant doorway

—once he refused to hit me; he told my mother his hand was 

too large

—he wrote to his aunt that he hoped the baby would be a boy

—when he was a student, jews were not permitted to sit in the

front rows of lecture halls; he made it a point to

stand through the lectures; ultimately, jews were

allowed to sit

—he was a discus thrower

—according to some, he got along with everyone: jews, goyim,

children

—he was caught a couple of times by the germans; they thought

he was a polish smuggler

—once he was put on a train for treblinka; he jumped, was shot at

and wounded, but got back to warsaw alive

—he believed in resistance

excerpt from "Freedom"

Ten Hail Marys, I meditate for practice

Channel nine news tell me I'm movin' backwards

Eight blocks left, death is around the corner

Seven misleadin' statements 'bout my persona

Six headlights wavin' in my direction

Five-o askin' me what's in my possession

Yeah I keep runnin', jump in the aqueducts

Fire hydrants and hazardous

Smoke alarms on the back of us

But mama don't cry for me, ride for me

Try for me, live for me

Breathe for me, sing for me

Honestly guidin' me

I could be more than I gotta be

Stole from me, lied to me, nation hypocrisy

Code on me, drive on me

Wicked, my spirit inspired me

Like yeah, open correctional gates in higher desert

Yeah, open our mind as we cast away oppression

Yeah, open the streets and watch our beliefs

And when they carve my name inside the concrete

I pray it forever reads

 

Freedom

Freedom

I can't move

Freedom, cut me loose

Singin', freedom! Freedom! Where are you?

'Cause I need freedom, too

 

excerpt from "Freedom"

Ten Hail Marys, I meditate for practice

Channel nine news tell me I'm movin' backwards

Eight blocks left, death is around the corner

Seven misleadin' statements 'bout my persona

Six headlights wavin' in my direction

Five-o askin' me what's in my possession

Yeah I keep runnin', jump in the aqueducts

Fire hydrants and hazardous

Smoke alarms on the back of us

But mama don't cry for me, ride for me

Try for me, live for me

Breathe for me, sing for me

Honestly guidin' me

I could be more than I gotta be

Stole from me, lied to me, nation hypocrisy

Code on me, drive on me

Wicked, my spirit inspired me

Like yeah, open correctional gates in higher desert

Yeah, open our mind as we cast away oppression

Yeah, open the streets and watch our beliefs

And when they carve my name inside the concrete

I pray it forever reads

 

Freedom

Freedom

I can't move

Freedom, cut me loose

Singin', freedom! Freedom! Where are you?

'Cause I need freedom, too

 

excerpt from “Tiananmen Square, 1989”

there are stars in their caps, soldiers

crouched as if the revolution

only walks at knee level. before them, a sea 

 

of students: one adjusting his glasses, his face 

turned towards some invisible turmoil, 

this refusal that could bring everything 

 

tomorrow or simply life. or simply 

bullets slicing the Square, shouts 

& fears running & running into bodies

 

that ripple 

onto concrete 

like children 

 

napping under Beijing sun, 

eyelids still as peace—          still

as red pooling, as ink

 

resisting its meaning—           resisting

the fist of a government crushing ambitions

into pennies

Diagnostic Quiz for Human Ghost

Over the past two weeks, please list the items you have lost.

 

At the present moment, do you know the location & number of your teeth?

 

(in grams) Please estimate the weight of each of the following: Left lung, half-liver,

three fingers on your right hand.

 

(in miles) Please estimate the distance from the back of your skull to the skin of your 

eye.

 

Over the past two weeks, please estimate the number of times you’ve attempted to

start a conversation and failed (including, but not limited to: grocery stores, living

rooms, when you are alone.)

 

(in incandescence) How much light passes through you? Is it enough to write a letter?

 

Pick a letter. Pick a new name.

 

Can you hear the woman singing?

 

What was your death’s taxonomy? Where is its kingdom & domain?

 

How important do you feel to others?

 

Are you sitting atop the creaking hinges of something only you can see?

 

Are you certain there is no part of your body that is missing.

 

Are you certain there is nothing missing at all.

Self-Portrait as David Lynch

I wear a flower in my lapel.

I like the sweetness of its lie in my nose.

A carnation, the fool’s flower,

 

its heart a wilting empire.

In late-night editing sessions,

I imagine I’m planting flowers

 

in the sockets of eyes. Whatever helps

me reach our rigor mortis,

bound behind the wheel,

 

a little Bowie on the radio, maybe,

at six frames per second,

headlights plowing the dark’s divided road.

 

Cities grow to calcified castles.

Fish groom the coral brains

anchored in a tank’s purple volume.

 

I love the scratch of celluloid

and a low-register noise,

the hair of heat burning in a lit bulb.

 

Sometimes I swap my carnation

for an orchid or rose.

On-screen, there’s every hint

 

a man-child built the night.

I read it once, by flashlight, as a kid—

that Sleep and Death are brothers,

 

and they send our dreams through two gates,

one made of horn, for the true dreams,

and one made of tusk, for the false.

 

Her Kind

I have gone out, a possessed witch,   

haunting the black air, braver at night;   

dreaming evil, I have done my hitch   

over the plain houses, light by light:   

lonely thing, twelve-fingered, out of mind.   

A woman like that is not a woman, quite.   

I have been her kind.

 

I have found the warm caves in the woods,   

filled them with skillets, carvings, shelves,   

closets, silks, innumerable goods;

fixed the suppers for the worms and the elves:   

whining, rearranging the disaligned.

A woman like that is misunderstood.

I have been her kind.

 

I have ridden in your cart, driver,

waved my nude arms at villages going by,   

learning the last bright routes, survivor   

where your flames still bite my thigh

and my ribs crack where your wheels wind.   

A woman like that is not ashamed to die.   

I have been her kind.

 

Song

You love me like an eave

Feeding rain to the gutter

 

I love you like a gutter

Fielding rain from the eave