Translated into Spanish by D. P. Snyder
If I must die,
you must live
to tell my story
to sell my things
to buy a piece of cloth
and some strings,
(make it white with a long tail)
so that a child, somewhere in Gaza
while looking heaven in the eye
awaiting his dad who left in a blaze—
and bid no one farewell
not even to his flesh
not even to himself—
sees the kite, my kite you made, flying up above
and thinks for a moment an angel is there
bringing back love
If I must die
let it bring hope
let it be a tale
you fit into me
like a hook into an eye
a fish hook
an open eye
Attack, balderdash, blackness (they call from the rafters), blather
-skite, claptrap, crap, codswallop, a dollop of damns in generally
pristine prose or speech, drivel, dross, effluvia, fiddle-faddle, flap
-doodle (a personal favorite), folderol, garbage, guff, hogwash,
hokum, horsefeathers (you can almost envision Pegasus mid-flight),
humbug, imitation (not the thing itself but the accusation), jazz, junk,
kaput, lambast, loss, malarkey, mass entertainment, mass incarceration’s
psychic aim (a problem isn’t real if you no longer see it), muck, mush,
nonsense, nuts, oblivion, piffle, poppycock, quagmire, refuse, rubbish,
slush, tommyrot, tosh, trash (as in the everyday phenomenon but
also talk), twaddle, undercard (ostensibly), underdog (mentally,
you recite their harms before the fight begins), vilipend, wreckage,
excess, extra, yack, youth that cannot be used, zip, zero, easy.
I spent what light Saturday sent sweating
And learned to cuss cutting grass for women
Kind enough to say they couldn’t tell the damned
Difference between their mowed lawns
And their vacuumed carpets just before
Handing over a five-dollar bill rolled tighter
Than a joint and asking me in to change
A few lightbulbs. I called those women old
Because they wouldn’t move out of a chair
Without my help or walk without a hand
At the base of their backs. I called them
Old, and they must have been; they’re all dead
Now, dead and in the earth I once tended.
The loneliest people have the earth to love
And not one friend their own age—only
Mothers to baby them and big sisters to boss
Them around, women they want to please
And pray for the chance to say please to.
I don’t do that kind of work anymore. My job
Is to look at the childhood I hated and say
I once had something to do with my hands.
I was born in the congo
I walked to the fertile crescent and built
the sphinx
I designed a pyramid so tough that a star
that only glows every one hundred years falls
into the center giving divine perfect light
I am bad
I sat on the throne
drinking nectar with allah
I got hot and sent an ice age to europe
to cool my thirst
My oldest daughter is nefertiti
the tears from my birth pains
created the nile
I am a beautiful woman
I gazed on the forest and burned
out the sahara desert
with a packet of goat's meat
and a change of clothes
I crossed it in two hours
I am a gazelle so swift
so swift you can't catch me
For a birthday present when he was three
I gave my son hannibal an elephant
He gave me rome for mother's day
My strength flows ever on
My son noah built new/ark and
I stood proudly at the helm
as we sailed on a soft summer day
I turned myself into myself and was
jesus
men intone my loving name
All praises All praises
I am the one who would save
I am so hip even my errors are correct
I sailed west to reach east and had to round off
the earth as I went
The hair from my head thinned and gold was laid
across three continents
I am so perfect so divine so ethereal so surreal
I cannot be comprehended
except by my permission
I mean . . . I . . . can fly
like a bird in the sky . . .
My father, as a boy in Milwaukee, thought
the cicada's cry was the whir from a live wire--
not from muscles on the sides of an insect
vibrating against an outer membrane. Strange though
that, because they have no ears, no one knows why
the males cry so doggedly into the gray air.
Not strange that the young live underground sucking sap from tree roots
for seventeen years. A long, charmed childhood
not unlike one in a Great Lake town where at dusk
you'd pack up swimsuit, shake sand off your towel
and head back to the lights in the two-family houses
lining the streets. Where the family sat around the radio.
And the parents argued over their son and daughter
until each left for good. To cry in the air.
What we did to the earth, we did to our daughters
one after the other.
What we did to the trees, we did to our elders
stacked in their wheelchairs by the lunchroom door.
What we did to our daughters, we did to our sons
calling out for their mothers.
What we did to the trees, what we did to the earth,
we did to our sons, to our daughters.
What we did to the cow, to the pig, to the lamb,
we did to the earth, butchered and milked it.
Few of us knew what the bird calls meant
or what the fires were saying.
We took of earth and took and took, and the earth
seemed not to mind
until one of our daughters shouted: it was right
in front of you, right in front of your eyes
and you didn’t see.
The air turned red. The ocean grew teeth.
I’ve identified more dead birds than living.
An old friend used to quiz me on flora and fauna,
pointing and asking what’s that? but now won’t
even say my undeadname. A tree, I’d answer,
knowing the mutability of even that. Even that.
After Wanda Coleman
Before we warred
there was sweet.
We would sneak the stuff—
our saccharine secret—
somehow sure it made us sinners.
It started at four (or sometime before):
Slurping of Log Cabin syrup
right down from its cap,
brother & I howling. Passed it back and
forth on Saturday mornings. We’d
rocket across grasshopper’s green yard
until fuel burnt up & needed
re-stocking. We sweetened unnatural
places. Brown rice n chicken,
Kraft mac n cheese,
or guzzled it straight, no chaser,
let grains dissolve in
gluttonous caverns.
Stirred six cups into Kool-Aid pitchers.
Before-during-after we learned
of bitterness, of absence,
we slammed sugar unsupervised.
Knew nothing of what
too much could do to our
insatiable bodies. Knew nothing
of restraint. Knew nothing of life’s
undoing. But we knew enough
to keep this secret sacred &
beneath the kitchen table.
—he became a teetotaler out of his socialist convictions; during
the war he began to drink again
—he was casual; he kept his tie in his pocket till the last minute
before oral exams
—he left me on the street to be picked up by the nuns from the
orphanage; he watched me from a distant doorway
—once he refused to hit me; he told my mother his hand was
too large
—he wrote to his aunt that he hoped the baby would be a boy
—when he was a student, jews were not permitted to sit in the
front rows of lecture halls; he made it a point to
stand through the lectures; ultimately, jews were
allowed to sit
—he was a discus thrower
—according to some, he got along with everyone: jews, goyim,
children
—he was caught a couple of times by the germans; they thought
he was a polish smuggler
—once he was put on a train for treblinka; he jumped, was shot at
and wounded, but got back to warsaw alive
—he believed in resistance
Ten Hail Marys, I meditate for practice
Channel nine news tell me I'm movin' backwards
Eight blocks left, death is around the corner
Seven misleadin' statements 'bout my persona
Six headlights wavin' in my direction
Five-o askin' me what's in my possession
Yeah I keep runnin', jump in the aqueducts
Fire hydrants and hazardous
Smoke alarms on the back of us
But mama don't cry for me, ride for me
Try for me, live for me
Breathe for me, sing for me
Honestly guidin' me
I could be more than I gotta be
Stole from me, lied to me, nation hypocrisy
Code on me, drive on me
Wicked, my spirit inspired me
Like yeah, open correctional gates in higher desert
Yeah, open our mind as we cast away oppression
Yeah, open the streets and watch our beliefs
And when they carve my name inside the concrete
I pray it forever reads
Freedom
Freedom
I can't move
Freedom, cut me loose
Singin', freedom! Freedom! Where are you?
'Cause I need freedom, too
Ten Hail Marys, I meditate for practice
Channel nine news tell me I'm movin' backwards
Eight blocks left, death is around the corner
Seven misleadin' statements 'bout my persona
Six headlights wavin' in my direction
Five-o askin' me what's in my possession
Yeah I keep runnin', jump in the aqueducts
Fire hydrants and hazardous
Smoke alarms on the back of us
But mama don't cry for me, ride for me
Try for me, live for me
Breathe for me, sing for me
Honestly guidin' me
I could be more than I gotta be
Stole from me, lied to me, nation hypocrisy
Code on me, drive on me
Wicked, my spirit inspired me
Like yeah, open correctional gates in higher desert
Yeah, open our mind as we cast away oppression
Yeah, open the streets and watch our beliefs
And when they carve my name inside the concrete
I pray it forever reads
Freedom
Freedom
I can't move
Freedom, cut me loose
Singin', freedom! Freedom! Where are you?
'Cause I need freedom, too
there are stars in their caps, soldiers
crouched as if the revolution
only walks at knee level. before them, a sea
of students: one adjusting his glasses, his face
turned towards some invisible turmoil,
this refusal that could bring everything
tomorrow or simply life. or simply
bullets slicing the Square, shouts
& fears running & running into bodies
that ripple
onto concrete
like children
napping under Beijing sun,
eyelids still as peace— still
as red pooling, as ink
resisting its meaning— resisting
the fist of a government crushing ambitions
into pennies
Over the past two weeks, please list the items you have lost.
At the present moment, do you know the location & number of your teeth?
(in grams) Please estimate the weight of each of the following: Left lung, half-liver,
three fingers on your right hand.
(in miles) Please estimate the distance from the back of your skull to the skin of your
eye.
Over the past two weeks, please estimate the number of times you’ve attempted to
start a conversation and failed (including, but not limited to: grocery stores, living
rooms, when you are alone.)
(in incandescence) How much light passes through you? Is it enough to write a letter?
Pick a letter. Pick a new name.
Can you hear the woman singing?
What was your death’s taxonomy? Where is its kingdom & domain?
How important do you feel to others?
Are you sitting atop the creaking hinges of something only you can see?
Are you certain there is no part of your body that is missing.
Are you certain there is nothing missing at all.
I wear a flower in my lapel.
I like the sweetness of its lie in my nose.
A carnation, the fool’s flower,
its heart a wilting empire.
In late-night editing sessions,
I imagine I’m planting flowers
in the sockets of eyes. Whatever helps
me reach our rigor mortis,
bound behind the wheel,
a little Bowie on the radio, maybe,
at six frames per second,
headlights plowing the dark’s divided road.
Cities grow to calcified castles.
Fish groom the coral brains
anchored in a tank’s purple volume.
I love the scratch of celluloid
and a low-register noise,
the hair of heat burning in a lit bulb.
Sometimes I swap my carnation
for an orchid or rose.
On-screen, there’s every hint
a man-child built the night.
I read it once, by flashlight, as a kid—
that Sleep and Death are brothers,
and they send our dreams through two gates,
one made of horn, for the true dreams,
and one made of tusk, for the false.
I have gone out, a possessed witch,
haunting the black air, braver at night;
dreaming evil, I have done my hitch
over the plain houses, light by light:
lonely thing, twelve-fingered, out of mind.
A woman like that is not a woman, quite.
I have been her kind.
I have found the warm caves in the woods,
filled them with skillets, carvings, shelves,
closets, silks, innumerable goods;
fixed the suppers for the worms and the elves:
whining, rearranging the disaligned.
A woman like that is misunderstood.
I have been her kind.
I have ridden in your cart, driver,
waved my nude arms at villages going by,
learning the last bright routes, survivor
where your flames still bite my thigh
and my ribs crack where your wheels wind.
A woman like that is not ashamed to die.
I have been her kind.
You love me like an eave
Feeding rain to the gutter
I love you like a gutter
Fielding rain from the eave